Saturated Again

So here I am in the staff room again with too many thoughts flying around my head, and nowhere for them to go except a piece of paper or a blog. If I were to commit them to paper I would be the only one to know about it, because anything I have ever written has never made it further than my wife’s eyes or perhaps one close friend. If I blog them, on the other hand, there is a slightly larger small circle of people who will be able to share the meanderings of my mind. There is also a slight chance that a team of digital archaeologists may stumble across them one day, and even their bemused looks, as they peruse my ramblings, would give me a small sense of satisfaction. That has always been my core reason for writing anything; sharing. That may actually make this post a little strange, because I am writing this during the sharing time that we have at the school every morning. If there is someone to translate I will try to partake in the proceedings, but today I just don’t have the energy to go through it.
I really do have a lot of time in my own thoughts here due to the language barrier. It is a lot of work mentally for the students, staff, and myself to communicate in a meaningful way. This becomes apparent when a few of the staff are together having a chat and there is never even a sideways glance at the Canadian guy sitting there. At other times someone will include me for a short time, but since this totally ruins the natural flow of a good conversation I will soon find my place phased out. This makes it very noticeable, because the majority of the staff can speak English at a conversational level. There really is no malice attached whatsoever, it is just difficult to make it flow. This whole scenario has put me in the place of being more of an observer than a partaker most of the time. Even when I am trying my best to piece together what someone is saying in broken English, or trying my best to strings some phrases together in Cantonese there is more observation going on than there is communication. It is kind of like talking to a baby. The infant doesn’t understand your words yet, so their senses are used to take in different kinds of communication, and information. This helps them form a structure for future communication, and a basic framework for linguistic interpretation.
There are a number of students who have enough language skill that we can go a bit deeper, and these are treasured occasions for me due to their rarity, and humanity. The students knew this as soon as I came to the school. One of the first things they would ask me was whether I was lonely. They also commented that maybe my fellow Canadian staff member wouldn’t be as lonely now with another Canuck around the place. I do hope that this connection between countrymen will help both of us get through some of the more difficult times here, but it would be folly to rely on it. The workplace is normally very transitory these days, and I think ministry work is even more so.
In the end I have found the importance of leaning into God everyday since I have been here. The truth of my need for Him in everything I do stares me in the face daily in a way I never knew back home. This does not mean that I always avail myself of His presence at every moment, this would constitute the perfection the Father found only in His Son, but the bare knowledge of this daily need is comfortingly humbling. I also find myself hoping that I don’t just stop at the revelation, but rather that I would act on it in an ever increasing dependency. Allowing my self to decrease, so that His all sufficiency may increase.

Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm

Hey all, do you ever have those moments when you are pretty sure God is opening your eyes to something you would most likely have missed without His help. When you try to tell the story to someone who has never had the experience of a conversation with God they will usually give a weird look, but those who know will always understand the weirdness of it. Anyway, we did this prayer walk today with a friend from Canada, and this evening we got to looking around on Google earth at each others' home towns. Pretty cool. After saying good nights and goodbyes I came back to the computer and my wife showed me how you can do street level views on Google maps, so out of curiosity I tried to locate the stadium of the Tottenham Hotspur English Premier League team (long story). The first location I came to was actually on Love Lane in Tottenham, North London. This seems appropriate as I was only a double click away from this sign in an underpass (see below). You see, when we walk the way of love we will walk in dominion. We will be triumphant internationally, seeing God's kingdom and glory in the earth!

View Larger Map

Oh yeah, just as an aside, the dates of this conference are right around (if not right on) when we were told it would be possible for me to fly to HK and check things out. Hmmmmm.

A Frank Confession

Ok, ok, I know I live in Hong Kong, and work at a Chinese school. I also know that it was on my heart for years to return to China (apologies to all the Hong Kongers who don't like that connection), but as far as cuisine goes my mouth is about 2000 miles west of here where the spices are as rich and colorful as the people. I am talking about India! Wow! I am just so in love with their food. If I was eating Indian all the time I would be as fat as the buddha and twice as happy!
I just had to get that off my chest since coming home from our second date to an Indian restaurant. This time it is a place on the waterfront of Cheung Chau called Moroccos. Absolutely loved the food, and the people have such a welcoming and lively way about them. We really need to visit the country soon.
Anyway, that is all I need to say about that right now. I am stuffed and happy!

(Cheers Amrita!!)

Catching Up

It has been seven months since we arrived here in Hong Kong, and even though we knew this would change our lives I don't think we ever could have imagined the ways that these changes would occur. Adapting to a new culture is something we have done before when we moved to Shanghai, China for six months; and it was, as promised by our Father, a very good time of training for the future assignment He had in mind. The confines of language and cultural differences were quite a bit tighter there than they are here, but Dad eased things considerably by setting us in a position where I was earning twice the income that I was used to making in Canada. This allowed us a a very reasonable comfort zone, not to mention Western comfort food. Further to this, we were told in very clear ways that we were not to be witnessing verbally to people at work or elsewhere. This particular stipulation gave me more discomfort than I would have anticipated, but I followed it as best I could at work.

Here in Hong Kong we have not had the same intense feelings of culture shock that we experienced in Shanghai, and at times this has almost been disorientating in itself. There has been an abiding expectation that we should have these weird and wonderful sensations all the time. The truth is that I have been somewhat disappointed by the lack of wonder I have felt being here. Even seeing the sights and such, while it is cool, and I dearly love photographing all the back alley scenes that are so commonplace here, does not excite me the way it did on the mainland. In fact I am currently enjoying a week off of work and have no plans to go sightseeing at this time simply because it really doesn't do that much for me. The planned excursions have been replaced by a series of accidental tourist outings where we stumble upon some local area we have not seen yet, and this is by far more enjoyable than the trips we have made to the "expected" tourist destinations. I think it is part of our desire to not be tourists, but to rather be people who experience a place by actually living there.

Much of the culture shock that we are experiencing has come in the context of the school that I work at. This is doubly strange because it is a Christian school for recovering drug addicts, youth offenders, and the like. The Christian context of this work all within a foreign context can really throw us some strange curves. In Shanghai I was working for a secular company in a decidedly secular setting. This made my time there make a little more sense and it pressed fewer buttons in me. Overall I had a very deep sense of purpose while I was in Shanghai, but the purposes of my Father were the source for me, and the secular setting made it all seem a little heroic. Here in Hong Kong it can get a bit more scrambled because of the ministry context, and the expectations this always brings with it. Most often it becomes akin to a special forces unit where you are all on the same side, but there is an underlying current of competitiveness where it concerns sacrificial living. This standard is the high-water mark for anyone in a labeled, organized, administrated ministry. How much can you give up and still keep smiling? How much abuse can you take and still say ,"Praise the Lord!"? How much? It's Gold's Gym on your knees, if you know what I mean.
We had hoped that things would be different here, but it seems Christendom is what it is wherever you go above ground. I say above ground simply because I have no context for the below ground church. I have always hated the machinations of the organized church, even though I have mostly fought the good fight from within its sometimes suffocating confines. Don't get me wrong here, though, working with God's people is also an immense pleasure as well, simply because there is still an abiding awareness of who the Boss really is. If this did not exist here we would have already applied for an exit visa!
The main issue for us always seems to come down to two things. Firstly there is far too much mirror gazing as we admire all the things God does through us. It seems that we cannot put down our mirror long enough to see that we are not alone in all of this, and when we see someone else with a mirror we very quickly become defensive, elitist, or obnoxious (Lord help us if it is all three). This has been a longstanding issue with ministries, and yet when Jesus' disciples tried it on Him He told them to take a pill and check what was really important. Secondly is the way that ministries always end up making families come in second place to the ministry. If you are giving your all for Jesus then He will babysit the little darlings while you are off saving the world. This is probably why Paul had to tell people to restrain themselves from joining his ministry when he came to town. He told them that if they had no wife and kids then they were free to do whatever, but if they did have a family then there were concerns they needed to address that would make his lifestyle impossible for them. It really seems to be a no brainer, but if God felt it needed to be in the word then I guess we need to hear it, right?
These are the two main fronts that I feel the most pressure on, especially since they both cut across some of my most core beliefs. If you feel led to pray for us personally please include these issues as the Lord leads you. As you do this please remember that these concerns come in the midst of great joys as well. Please remember that we love the people we are serving with, and if it is Gold's Gym I do see them as far buffer than I. We want to temper all our concerns with an overarching love for the people of our Father.

The Brothers of Zheng Sheng!

Where To Start

There is soooo much I could say here, but it is late and I really need to get to bed. Everything is a swirl. I am here, I am there, I am pressed, I am in awe. I truly want to spend some time and do a long blog post with pics and everything. Please be patient. Our computer is not our friend right now, and time does not seem to be on my side.

I really want to spend some time with those who read this blog. Love to have a fire in the front yard, laugh, share, have some wine, and mystify the people who file past what must be the longest fence on the island. Check back before the weekend, and see what you think.

Fire Ants!!!!

You really never know what your day will be like at the Christian Zheng Sheng College, most especially when you are hamstrung by a lack of language skills. Not that this would change the chaos, it would just give you an extra ten minute heads up. Cantonese is such a surreal mix of ancient roots and crazy modern culture that I feel I am caught up in an Asian Mennonite tribe trying to learn low German with nine tones.
Today was another one of those 'another days' where I was pin-balling around the campus as life happened around me, and one change after another sent me careening from one situation to the next. Today was, in fact, the day of the big...no, I mean BIG clean at the campus as everyone is preparing for the Lunar New Year. Every corner of the campus was being carefully scrutinized and sanitized for the festive season, which honestly leaves Christmas somewhat lacking. Lunar New Year just has so much history and culture behind it that Christmas feels like a cheesy ad trying to lure patrons back to its tinsel and commercial mayhem. Not that there isn't commercial mayhem here, with banks forming people into queues to get their crisp new banknotes for red packets, but I digress.
As I was wondering about trying to ascertain where my presence would be most useful Mr. Lao came up to me with an eager eyed student and asked if it would be OK for the students to "use the fire guns for the ants?" I was immediately intrigued, and even as I was about to query one of the numerous lines of questioning arising from his question I had a pretty decent idea of what was going on, but I also realized I needed to find out for myself exactly what was going on. Mr. Lao is a senior staff, and no slouch, but I was not going to hand off this assignment with a casual nod. No, I had to know. I told Mr. Lao it should be fine even as I headed off in the direction of the mayhem that must have been the cause of this request.
What I found was that a bunch of the desks ( a loose term) had been pulled back from the concrete wall that they normally back onto, and a fierce skirmish ensued as dozens of infuriated fire ants advanced upon the unsuspecting brothers. Seeing how, in our environment of schooled incarceration, any blip on the screen will be treated as a host of hostiles just to make life interesting, this was tailor made. Lines were quickly drawn and weapons swiftly brought to bear on the perceived antagonists who quit themselves admirably if the state of the study area gave any testimony. Unfortunately I arrived too late to take part in the main assault and was relegated to a minor role in the mop up operation. It was only when this was winding down that I caught wind of a second front. On the stairs of the kitchen there was a fiery confrontation taking place in very close quarters. The brothers had cornered their foe in a wooden cabinet door which already bore the scorch marks of the first few assaults. There was an inch and a half by one eighth gap in the plies of the plywood the enemy utilized to create a system of defensive tunnels. When I came upon the scene the brothers appeared to have it under control until I saw one of them beat the door on its corner with a jarring rap on the concrete. Cries of "WHAAAAA" (Cantonese for wtf, I'm sure) filled the air as fire ants literally poured out of the small gap in the door to meet their doom in a butane driven conflagration. Witnessing this left me little choice, I had to join in! When they put the door down to see if any more would come out I scooped it up and gestured for the "fire gun" which is a WD40 sized can of butane with a torch/ingniter on top that is like a low powered propane torch. With door and torch in hand I too bashed the enemy's stronghold on the floor, and gleefully incinerated the six legged troops who were, by this time, just trying to get clear of the carnage I'm sure. Not satisfied, though, I hoisted the door up and set upon the escape hatch with the torch until smoke was pouring from other pin holes, no doubt formed by the ants burrowing, and the bottom of the door was slowly being engulfed.
At this point I shut off the gun, and with a contented grin, handed the still flaming door to its owner. There were no cheers, or accolades, but the looks on all their faces gave it away. For this day I was still one of the boys.

It's What's Inside That Counts

I really had to look over what I wrote in that last post, because, seeing how I wrote it in the heat of the moment, there was a lot of room for error. It is true, though, that in the heat of the moment all of our guards tend to come down, and the things that are lying within can more easily find their way out. It is always in moments of importunity that the sheen comes off (usually along with the gloves), allowing all a clear view. Transparency is something that many people like to talk about in small groups and seminars, but what we see through an open window may not be what we expected.
Even now I am carefully choosing my words and thinking things through much more carefully than I did the other day. Maybe I shouldn't, especially because my intent here is to be more self effacing. See, when I wrote that rant it was triggered by years of internal struggles for which there have been few respites. Years of being in the church and wondering what on earth it was all about. Years of wondering about the glaring differences that I saw not only between scripture and my "church" experience, but also between those dagger like words and myself. Years of asking questions of other people who were struggling with the same thing, and putting the best face on it that they could muster. Years of this, in my home church alone, never mind the one I grew up in. It seems that after all these years there may finally be some light.
The most difficult thing about the light that usually makes its way to me is that it comes like a narrow shaft between the clutter of thoughts it means to illuminate. This is difficult because the narrow way is the only way to follow this shaft to its far greater Source. It illumines the dark, confining thoughts, revealing them for what they are, but I must divest myself of the flesh that they cling to so that I may climb that tangible shaft of light. In this case I do still see the things that I wrote as being valid, and I thank those of you who ventured to comment on them. The only thing that still remains is answering the question of what to do about it.
Blogs are wonderful things. This one has afforded me a place to feel that I have given voice to my thoughts, and I have truly enjoyed that. The awful thing about this particular situation is that the people whom I feel most need to read this, or whom I would like to talk to about this will likely never even know that this site exists. Even if they did read it, or overcome the miles separating us and sit for a coffee to work it out, the fact will still remain that it is up to me to act on this. It is up to me to overcome the crippling effects of institutionalization. It is up to me to peel off the diapers, and stand up. It is time for me to stop looking for leadership and step into it myself. This will probably never mean a stage and a mike, but it most definitely means being a father to my children, and a husband to my wife. It means taking hold of the things God has given me to do without always looking for someone to show me how or hold my hand. The people who could help me would be far more inclined if I came to them with my hands dirty anyway, either from a joy to see someone doing the 'stuff', or a desire to see if the dirt means I broke something of theirs. Fortunately I have found myself in such a place and the long hard climb has begun in earnest. There is so much work to be done, as those who know me should know, but God will be faithful to shine the light where it needs to shine, so the exit is clearly marked. I guess I would say with Paul that I have not yet attained, but I know where I want to go.

PS I sooooo desire to see my home church shine like it was meant to. The ones closest to us always seem able to draw out our truest ire, eh? Love you NL!

It Is Time To Call Out BS!!!!!

I am sitting here listening to yet another announcement from a leadership that just cannot seem to get its shit together. I have no other place to vent things out so if you have wondered over here it may not be as flowery as you may like, nor as poetic as I have been hoping this blog could be again. This is one of those times when hangin' my brain out to dry means that the drops will be carrying away some of the darker thoughts I have been carrying around.
I am so tired of church leadership!
I am also extremely tired of infantile congregations!
On the first point the main thing that wearies me to tears is the disease that seems to gnaw away at leader's minds until they no longer have the ability to look outside of their own calling, position, or gifting. It is unclear what this ailment should even be called, but it is clearly deadly. Part of the process of this malady is to produce a brain numbing pathogen that is emitted from the oral cavity, and after it enters the ears of nearby victims it nests at the base of the logic center until the flow of thoughts through this center are completely choked out. At this stage the victim becomes fully pliable to any further suggestions from the original host.
Leaders are constantly telling the folks out in the pews how we are supposed to be working out our issues with one another and walking in love with one another. We are challenged. We are reminded. We are invited up for prayer for these issues. Yet when these things occur within the folds of leadership it is vigorously defended as a patently private affair. The folks out in the pews are expected, not unlike kids in the midst of a divorce, to just suck it up and trust that mom and dad know what they are doing. This actually has the effect of keeping those of us who do not take to the stage in a state of immaturity, which is, incidentally, one of the cardinal sins that are railed against quite regularly from that same stage. It is time for leadership to step off from their podium of power and prestige, and get dirty with the rest of us. It is time for them to stop being so terrified of messes that happen as Christians mature. Attempting to keep us in diapers to contain the shit that happens is only causing a serious case of cheek rash that will hinder our ability to sit on even the most lavishly cushioned pew (or chair). When a person gets up with a nasty rash, and no Penaten® on hand, they will go home, or go to another leader who has some Penaten®, or perhaps start a group for others suffering from the same pain in the ass. Any way you slice it it doesn't come out pretty.
On the second point I have to say that institutionalized, infantile Christians are in serious need of having their butts kicked. They need to be weaned off of the bottles they clutch, like Sunday morning services for example, and start chewing on some real meat. Not just another "really good message", mind you. That kind of meat just sits in their under exercised colons, and causes those bloated expressions preachers get so tired of. Sunday morning is the Valium® of the diaper clad Christian masses. They get into an absolute tizzy if you threaten to change it, and will cry themselves into a coma if you ask them to take some responsibility for it. The biggest reason that they get so worked up about the crap that happens with leadership is that they have no idea who will change their diaper and burp them after the service. I think that is why pastors all over North America pat you on the back as they shake your hand at the door.
The meat Paul was referring to is not just some real tasty doctrine that we discuss with a practiced steak knife. The meat he was talking about was the protein packed food that will build muscle mass as the muscles are exercised.
At this point I will admit my own tendency to act like an institutionalized Christian, and my lack of desire to fight it for so many years. Fortunately I consider myself to be in recovery, and the rash is beginning to fade along with the pudgy thighs. Much of this has come from leaders who could not have been happy to just stand behind a pulpit week after week. They actually got down in the dirt with me. They actually let me grab hold of the tools, and start doing it myself. In fact their cheerfully turned away my requests for intervention, instead allowing me to figure it out.
The Sunday mornings I attend now feel very awkward, because with the rash disappearing I can finally think straight for myself. The way Sunday mornings are presented (North American a la carte) hold no interest for me at all any more, but thankfully there are leaders around who are willing to offer something very different. It is a savory dish, mostly because it is enjoyed just before going back to work where it will produce more muscle, and supply energy for the tasks at hand.
Hopefully you noticed that although the former rant about leaders did not end on so cheery a note as the latter about pew holders, the latter showed the relationship that is necessary to revitalize the church. Leaders who will get dirty in the trenches, elbow to elbow with the people they are leading. Not Sunday morning trenches either! The real ones we all slog through Monday to Saturday. Leaders who are not afraid of their charges maturing. Leaders who are not afraid to hand over the tools necessary for the work that is to be done. It is also about disciples who will kick off the diapers and get going for a change. Disciples who will grow up to become leaders in their own right. Disciples who are willing to yank the Sunday morning intravenous milk tube, and brave the withdrawals. Disciples who will actually do what their leaders have been teaching them instead of just discussing it over coffee to determine how 'biblical' it was.

Whew! I think that is it for now. If the next podcast has the same BS quotient as the one I listened to tonight I may just have to go at it again. Till then, may God bless your diapers off, and give you a hand down the stage stairs.

What To Do?

There are so many nonsensical things that flit about the hollow spaces between my brain and my mind that I am afraid sometimes that they may spill out into the daylight, leaving their muddy thought-prints all over my newly cleaned persona. I dare not even spill their guts here, for they will surely flee one after the other clutching like Jacob upon their elder. This would be impossible for me to hinder or direct, for their actions dart about behind my eyes like the undulating whine of a midnight mosquito. It is simply not safe. In fact even this bare acknowledgment will stir their muted voices as I lay me down to sleep. I pray O Lord....my mind to keep. Lord abide before my paths lest the nefarious pranksters spring from their concealment to turn me aside. Before they deceitfully detain me with the promise of rational resolutions, and insightful, if not edifying, discourse.
Perhaps I may also set myself to restful sleep before these meanderings take their greatest hold.

Another Day

One thing I have been learning from my time here at Christian Zheng Sheng College is a healthy view of how my life flows. It has been quite a change from back in Canada where I had a regular work week and weekends off. Here we work different shifts every month and there is no regularity from one roster to the next. I also get only six days off in a month instead of eight like back in K-town. My shifts here are N (for a 9:30 to overnight shift) D (for a 9:30 to 4 shift, usually the day after an N shift), and O (for day off). A normal two week roster will look something like this - N N D N D N D O N D N D O O, starting on a Monday and going to a Sunday. Not exactly normal for me coming from a construction background, and somewhat difficult to balance with a family waiting at home for me.
The old way of looking at my week is slowly fading and God is showing me how to let go of my preconceived notions of personal rights. I will still fight for a schedule that works for my family, but as for me personally I am finding that this is working quite nicely. I think part of the reason is that back home my workday was more about results than it is here, and this tended to form my ideas about work. Relationships were important to the workplace as they are here between the staff, but they were not the focus. Here the results are all about relationships, and this has been shifting my priorities quite drastically. The priorities are primarily interior ones that have to do with motivations and self awareness, but they are foundational to who I am as a person. I am slowly learning how to let things slide and enjoy the present with my Father who says He has tomorrow under control, which I will see when I get there, because it will be just like He was with me today, and yesterday.
Having my life freed from being ruled by a man-made routine and structure is teaching me how to mine each day for God's goodness and to see that my true rest lies with Him alone. The weekend is simply a foreshadowing of the eternal rest I will enjoy with my Father and His family when all this dust blows away. This allows me to see things differently, because if my eternal weekend is about relationships and dwelling with God, then everyday can be weekend if I want it to be. Like Paul said, though, I am so not there yet, but this is a road map. The best thing is that I love the views this trip offers, and the Guide is an absolute blast to be with, so the hazards of the journey will be manageable.
All that being said I am at the end of a D going on to an O, so I think I will go and get ready to catch the sampan home. Cheers!