Went for a walk this morning and had a heavy heart from two days of taking kidney shots to my spirit. I dearly love the autumn season and my youth spent in the rain in Abbotsford made today a perfect day for a quiet stroll. The leaves are turning and the ground was wet from the rains last night and Sunday mornings are always very still as most people are either recovering from or clinging to the last moments of the weekend.
The thing I found most peaceful about it all though was walking out the revelation God gave me a week or so ago. It happened when I was riding my bike to work the other day with my mp3 player blasting worship music in my ears. I was almost half way to work when the noise in my ears became unbearable and I yanked the earbuds out. In that moment God spoke to me about fear. He reminded me of the question I yelled at Him a while ago regarding the root of my fear of being alone/quiet and especially the fear (silly as it seems) of going to bed early. You see, I always seem to need to watch a movie or play on the computer or have my nose in a book until I can't keep my eyes open anymore and then I finally go to sleep. None of these things are bad in themselves, but they keep me from getting rested and also keep my mind tucked away from God as I drift off. It has troubled me for some time and all my best resolutions have quickly fallen away. Then God spoke to me while riding down the shoulder of highway 97. He told me that the constant noise and distraction was coming from a fear of the voices that come in the silence. The picture He used to drive this home was that of my bike and the noise that it has been making for the last month or so. There was a clunk, clunk, clunk in the bottom bracket that was making me mental since I'm a bit of a perfectionist and things being out of whack make me go out of whack. This noise had actually caused me to stop riding my bike. Every time I thought of hopping on it and riding to work I heard that clunk, clunk, clunk and decided to drive instead. God said that it was the same thing with being alone/quiet and going to bed at night. The noise of the voices that come against me seem unbearable and so I just try to drown them out till I fall asleep or until there is someone else around. I have been afraid of the silence because of the noise.
The voices always come and speak lies and confusion to me. The voices always want to draw me into an argument or into an attempt to draw out enough evidence of my faith to prove them wrong. It is so maddeningly circular and unproductive that I find it easier to just drown them out. The bad thing is that I end up drowning God's voice out too. In all the arguing and babble I couldn't make it out either so it was seeming quite hopeless. Perhaps it was hopeless like Elijah felt hopeless standing on the mountain in the face of the wind and the earthquake and the fire. That must be why he went back into the cave. That is why I go back in the cave, till God comes again and reassures me with the still small voice. This time the voice of God assured me that the storm of thoughts would not destroy me or distance me from Him. He told me that if I surrender to Him in the midst of the storm it will pass. He said I do not need to put up a mighty struggle and valiant rebukes. He told me to just be quiet and He would handle it. So for the past week I have been doing this every day. When I am driving my truck at work I leave the stereo off and when the thoughts start to break on the shores of my mind and the darkness begins to cloud my eyes I simply say to God," See, those are the kind of thoughts that have been messing me up." I'm not sure how, but He then proceeds to still the storms and restore peace to me. It has been absolutely wonderful. The walk this morning was no different. As I walked I just let the tangle of thoughts roll around my head and patiently waited for His voice to clear it all up. It amazes me how clear His voice is when I keep my mouth shut long enough to hear it. It also amazes me how faithful He is to speak when I give Him a chance to say something. Maybe sometimes He just wants to let the storm look really big before He blows it away so that I will know how great He is; not for pride's sake, but for trust.
He is an incredible Dad, how can we not love Him?
Oh yeah, for evidence of just how easily He can blow away the storms I look to Thessalonians 2:8
And then the lawless one will be revealed, whom the Lord Jesus will overthrow with the breath of his mouth and destroy by the splendor of his coming.
WOW! He just shows up!!! How easy is that???