Saturday, March 20, 2004

Wherever you go....there I AM

Usually we say that wherever you go there you are, but I realise that God says wherever you go there I AM. Sometimes it can be a little awkward though. Times when I am trying to hide from Him, for example, make His never leaving ways somewhat of a hinderance. This is not to say that I fault Him for it, rather I am glad for it because I know it is my flesh that drags me away and my spirit which yearns to return. I see it in my kids all the time. They will go ape and do things they full well know they shouldn't. When they hear my footsteps approach all the air that was rushing out of their lungs in joyous abandon is sucked right back in and they know the gig is up. At this point I am the last person they want to see and my eye is the last place they want to look. Yet after the discipline is done it is into my arms that they fall to be comforted. It is the gleam in my eye they search for that says they are the center of my attention. I cannot say that I understand this paradox, but I do know it to be true.
I am finding in this season of personal turmoil that Dad is speaking to me about being my Dad. The frustrating thing is that I do not know what this looks like. Mostly I stare out of my little cave at Him and pretend that everything is okay. This fear manifests in so many different ways that it would be impossible to catalog it, and any effort would just be a distraction from the real anyway. I do notice, though, that it is insecurity and fear that drives me away from people and ultimately from Dad. I have discovered that the abundant life He promised me is in other people. 'Huh' you say? That is right. The abundant life is in my kids and my wife and it pours over me when I serve and love them. It is in the people on the street when I smile at them rather than give them that same 'No, I won't look at you!' ignorant, eyes forward, indifference. It is in the people at work when I respect their opinions and ideas, cheer their triumphs as well as remember the small personal sadnesses they may feel safe to share. It is in living in this place that I find life. Yet the unfamiliarity of it all, and the sudden new situation that confronts me can shock me back into my cave. I find that this usually occurs when I feel the possibility of rejection. So then I come full circle and look into the eyes of the One who never leaves.
I hope this time I will have the courage to cry.

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