Wednesday, February 10, 2010

It's What's Inside That Counts

I really had to look over what I wrote in that last post, because, seeing how I wrote it in the heat of the moment, there was a lot of room for error. It is true, though, that in the heat of the moment all of our guards tend to come down, and the things that are lying within can more easily find their way out. It is always in moments of importunity that the sheen comes off (usually along with the gloves), allowing all a clear view. Transparency is something that many people like to talk about in small groups and seminars, but what we see through an open window may not be what we expected.
Even now I am carefully choosing my words and thinking things through much more carefully than I did the other day. Maybe I shouldn't, especially because my intent here is to be more self effacing. See, when I wrote that rant it was triggered by years of internal struggles for which there have been few respites. Years of being in the church and wondering what on earth it was all about. Years of wondering about the glaring differences that I saw not only between scripture and my "church" experience, but also between those dagger like words and myself. Years of asking questions of other people who were struggling with the same thing, and putting the best face on it that they could muster. Years of this, in my home church alone, never mind the one I grew up in. It seems that after all these years there may finally be some light.
The most difficult thing about the light that usually makes its way to me is that it comes like a narrow shaft between the clutter of thoughts it means to illuminate. This is difficult because the narrow way is the only way to follow this shaft to its far greater Source. It illumines the dark, confining thoughts, revealing them for what they are, but I must divest myself of the flesh that they cling to so that I may climb that tangible shaft of light. In this case I do still see the things that I wrote as being valid, and I thank those of you who ventured to comment on them. The only thing that still remains is answering the question of what to do about it.
Blogs are wonderful things. This one has afforded me a place to feel that I have given voice to my thoughts, and I have truly enjoyed that. The awful thing about this particular situation is that the people whom I feel most need to read this, or whom I would like to talk to about this will likely never even know that this site exists. Even if they did read it, or overcome the miles separating us and sit for a coffee to work it out, the fact will still remain that it is up to me to act on this. It is up to me to overcome the crippling effects of institutionalization. It is up to me to peel off the diapers, and stand up. It is time for me to stop looking for leadership and step into it myself. This will probably never mean a stage and a mike, but it most definitely means being a father to my children, and a husband to my wife. It means taking hold of the things God has given me to do without always looking for someone to show me how or hold my hand. The people who could help me would be far more inclined if I came to them with my hands dirty anyway, either from a joy to see someone doing the 'stuff', or a desire to see if the dirt means I broke something of theirs. Fortunately I have found myself in such a place and the long hard climb has begun in earnest. There is so much work to be done, as those who know me should know, but God will be faithful to shine the light where it needs to shine, so the exit is clearly marked. I guess I would say with Paul that I have not yet attained, but I know where I want to go.

PS I sooooo desire to see my home church shine like it was meant to. The ones closest to us always seem able to draw out our truest ire, eh? Love you NL!

1 comment:

Koop Tribe said...

now its my turn 'and he wonders why I love him!'