Sunday, January 02, 2005

As The Head Turns

It is an interesting thing how quickly we can turn away. It is equally interesting or perhaps I should say appalling to see what is there when we turn. Of course the dark image staring at us is us, but we do paste a ton of labels on it to ease the burden of looking at it. I know I can put ones on it like "Wife", "Kids", "Post Rejection Modernist Psycho Dilemma Term 114" or whatever is close at hand. Correct is most often whoever is close at hand. The ugly truth is that it is me. That Shit who is being mean and hurtful to his kids is me. The Jerk who slams his emotional doors on his wife is me. That Noodle who checks out a chick to feel better is me. Hmmmm. There appears to be a pattern here.
The truly exasperating thing about all this, though, is that if I would only turn around I could resume gazing on the Lover of my soul. I could, if I desire to, peer into His eyes to see my reflection. It is exasperating because in this reflection is not the darkman that I was always taught I would see there and yet I will trade what I see in His eyes for the seemingly more palatable image I create when I turn away. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
As excruciating as it is to squeeze this into my narrow mind, God did not die to show me what a great guy He is, He died for me. 'For me' means that there was something of some worth there. Now I can already hear the 'You gotta be shittin' me!' rising up to try to squelch this, but the truth is right there in black and white with the words of Christ in red. It does not say that God so loved Himself that He died to show off to the whole universe, it says that He so loved the world (me)(you)(us)(them). So who should I believe here?
I think today I will believe the One who saw something in me that was worth dying to save. I think I will explore what it means to really believe what I see when I look into that mirror He is holding up. I like who I am when I am looking in that mirror, and so do my wife and kids. Hmmmm, why is it that I turned my head again????

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